rants and ramblings of a challenged mind.

Finally

2006-07-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

I know, I haven't blogged in ages. And I finally do now with this stupid thing.

You scored as Maximus. After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him.

Maximus

79%

William Wallace

79%

Captain Jack Sparrow

71%

The Amazing Spider-Man

71%

El Zorro

67%

Indiana Jones

63%

Lara Croft

58%

The Terminator

46%

Batman, the Dark Knight

46%

Neo, the "One"

42%

James Bond, Agent 007

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

I actually had to answer a tie breaker question.

Canadians...We'll do anything for Timmie's

2006-01-26T22:38:00.000-08:00

KUDOS....

2006-01-01T01:43:00.000-08:00

....to Lori, for her fabulous decorations at Club 365 for New Year's Eve.

....to the Dusty Shoes Band. As usual, the music blew me away. And the sax sounded phenominal.

....to Club 365. The party was great. There is no better way to ring in a New Year than to be surrounded by love, laughter, friends.

Thanks to all!

Uhmmm........Okay

2005-12-13T14:46:00.000-08:00

You Are Dancer

Carefree and fun, you always find reasons to do a happy dance.

Why You're Naughty: That dark stint you had as Santa's private dancer.

Why You're Nice: You're friendly. Very friendly.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Puns

2005-11-26T23:47:00.000-08:00

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardesslooks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed perpassenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says"Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?He believed in transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from badbreath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What Do You Get When……

2005-11-15T06:03:00.000-08:00

You have 12 Scouts building fires in your backyard?

Since we can’t build fires in a schoolyard, last night’s Scout meeting was held at my house. Actually, all our meetings for November and December are being held here. Can’t wait to see what the backyard looks like in 2 months.

So…….. what do you get when you have 12 Scouts building fires in your backyard? Blamed for forgetting the marshmallows.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 WHEN.......

2005-11-07T23:27:00.000-08:00

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.:)

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Drops of Gold

2005-11-06T08:26:00.000-08:00

As I was standing outside last night I caught a glimpse of a drop of gold from the corner of my eye. I turned, and all I could see was a street lamp about a block away. With the small drops of rain under the light, the rain coming down made a pale gold sheer curtain within the small circle of light directly under the lamp. As I watched there was another drop of gold, brighter than the curtain behind it. I realized that the "golden drop" was actually a larger drop of water running off the street light and being lit as it fell.

Standing there, I smiled as I thought of how this reminded me of God’s love. In the cold and dark of my troubles God is my light, turning my eyes to Him. And as I watch him lighting the world around I can see the drops of gold he presents for my wonder. The smaller drops forming a paler golden curtain, with the larger, brighter drops being seen intermittently, but bringing added joy and beauty into my part of His creation.

2005-11-06T07:00:00.000-08:00

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Fear of Success

2005-11-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

What do you fear? Lately I’ve come to realize how much I fear success.

Through my life I have always been proud of the way I have met challenges head on. I’ve never walked away from something I really wanted to do, to accomplish. That was the easy part. The hard part has been facing challenges that I have been scared to succeed at. I haven’t faced these things at all. It’s been much easier to not challenge myself with these things. After all, if I don’t challenge myself I can’t succeed. I’m not talking about the external challenges in life: a job, a home, friends. I’m talking about the internal, personal challenges.

One of my biggest fears is with personal relationships. As I look back I can see where "success" has led to hurt. It’s hard to see the relationships that were a success. Most of my ex-boyfriends are still my friends. It’s so easy to forget the good and concentrate on the bad. And so I surround myself with defenses. As much as I may say I would enjoy having someone "special" in my life I have come to realize that I’m scared to become involved with any man. The pain and scars run deep.

It’s actually kind of funny. My defenses against a personal relationship are two of the things I tell myself I hate the most about me. But to challenge myself to overcome these things means, in my mind, that I am opening myself up to more hurt and pain. And (let’s be honest here) who would willingly open themselves up to that.

I keep saying that I have learned to turn things over to God. And if that is the truth, then I need to face those challenges to myself and believe that God will be there to give me strength when I succeed.

Please be Patient.

2005-11-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

Now that I have time to blog I keep deleting what I write. Going through some tough internal stuff, and trying not to pour everything out. I'm sure I'll figure out how much to reveal sometime soon.

Okay Tysey........

2005-10-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

5th line, 23rd post:

"the problem is that my 2 younger sons are with their dad for both those time periods. and their dad won't let them spend time with tony."

hmmmm.........still having the same troubles, this time with thanksgiving. oh well, it will all work out to God's plan.

i tag scott, annette, amanda, teri and mitch. (I'd tag ben, but he's not blogging anymore...pout.)

More Than Just A Mom

2005-09-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

Received this from a friend:

A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a..."Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."

"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation... 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know... The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ballpoint pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."

Motherhood...What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!!

I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

Time to Breathe

2005-09-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

I finally have some time to myself. Not a lot, but enough to play catch-up on my life.

Let's see...hmmmmm.

I've discovered that I really hate hunting for a job. And job hunting is a full-time job itself. I think the worst part is the interviews. Not the interviews themselves, just getting ready for them. All of you who know me know how much I hate the "put on make-up, do the hair" bit. I feel totally fake. It's not the real me.

And my Scouting year is just revving up. Tuesday night was registration, and our first meeting is Monday night. It should be a fun year, 'cuz 1 scout who is transferring from another troop (we are the only troop in Mission this year) showed up at registration with his hair spiked up in a mohawk. Can't wait to see him do his hair everyday at camp. 8) And our first camp is Sept.30- Oct. 2. My son Karl isn't overly impressed with that, as he misses his first Sunday working in the church nursery. (Linda, if your reading this, you know to make alternative arrangements.)

I have to admit, I'm kinda disappointed at the lack of volunteers for Kid's Klub, but I'm happy that I got partnered with Mike for teaching. I'm sure I'll learn as much from him as the kids do. And I'm not teaching the pre-school kids this year, I got the primary age group.

I think my kids are finally settled into school. We actually made it through Friday without another notice coming home telling me my kids need something else, or more money going to the school. What ever happened to free education? (Or am I showing my age?)

I guess my little free time is up. I kinda snuck it in when I should be entering registrations for scouting.

This I Would Not Have Guessed

2005-09-08T08:17:00.000-07:00

VIOLET

You surround yourself with art and music and are constantly driven to express yourself. You often daydream. You prefer honesty in your relationships and belive strongly in your personal morals.

Find out your color at Quiz Me!

I Think It Fits

2005-09-07T08:59:00.000-07:00

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

Looking for a Job

2005-09-06T11:00:00.001-07:00

So, I'm not getting the 2 boys as foster kids, so I'm now looking for a job.

Unfortunately I am limited by my wrist: no heavy lifting, limited writing, and grasping objects with my left hand, and my typing has gone from 60 wpm to about 20.

Still willing to do childcare.

Can anyone make some suggestions?

James and I Share a Body?!!

2005-09-03T23:48:00.000-07:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Can anyone tell me why.........

2005-09-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

after I copied and pasted the Jedi test results all the fonts in my blog are tiny? Is anyone else noticing this, or is it just on my computer?

At Least I Don't Look My Age

2005-09-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

how jedi are you? :: by lawrie malen

Had To Do It!

2005-09-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com

Patience is not one of my virtues!

2005-08-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

For the past 3 weeks I have been busy jumping through hoops, trying to become a foster parent to 2 young boys I know. Between paperwork, meetings, and rearranging my house, I haven't had a lot of time for anything else.

Now, I'm waiting for the home check. The check has been scheduled 3 times, and 3 times they have cancelled on me. I find myself getting extremely frustrated with the wait.

I Have a Creationfest 2005 Staff Tent

2005-08-06T17:07:00.000-07:00

Allow me to explain.

The staff at Creationfest were asking for help to take down the site after the Saturday night show was finished. Tysey and I volunteered to help out. In return we we get a cd from a group that played at the event (I got Audio Adreneline), a dvd of a show put on by the Creationfest group in Marakesh, a coupon for 20% off next year's ticket, and a staff t-shirt.

By the time it was my turn to get a shirt there was a choice to be made. I could have gotten a staff shirt from 2003 or 2004 in a fitting size, or a 2005 shirt in a 4XL. I chose the 2005 shirt. I figured I could shrink it to a better fit.

2 washings later, and the stupid shirt won't shrink. It's big enough to be a 1 man tent (or 2 man if you're not afraid to get close). I even slept in it the last night we stayed on site.

Do I Look 25?

2005-08-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

After setting up camp at Creationfest, and discovering the cost of food on-site, 2 of us went into town to buy groceries. Less than 5 miles from The Gorge we got pulled over for speeding.

As the driver (sorry Terry, I have to mention your name) hunted for his wallet and driver’s license, I found Tysey’s registration and insurance paper and handed it to the Washington State Trooper (we were in her car). The officer read the information aloud, then looked at Terry’s license.

After a little more chitchat the officer turned back to me, and said "Well Tysey, if you can provide proof of insurance I’ll let you off." My response, "You’re holding it."

We got off on the speeding ticket, and my day was made. After all, it isn’t ever day I get mistaken for a 25 year old. I think I like the Washington State Patrol.

Creationfest

2005-08-02T17:06:00.000-07:00

I've tried to start a blog about my vacation at Creationfest, and I've deleted them all, until now.

This was my first vacation in a couple of years and I was looking forward to spending a few days with some friends, and maybe getting to know them a little bit more. A nice relaxing time; camping, enjoying the music. I got that, and more. I got to know myself a little bit more.

For a couple of weeks I had been trying to read a book, "Captivating" by John Eldridge. I got really good at avoiding the reading. The first chapter had me in tears, and finishing the book became a tremendous inner struggle for me. Last week I took the book with me. With the encouragement (and hassling) of those who went with me, I began reading every morning. That was the best time for me because I was usually the first up and no one else saw the tears as I fought every page. The really funny part is that we could probably have started a study group. In just our one row of tents I saw 9 other women reading the same book.

And the subject of the book, being a woman as God meant a woman to be, didn't stop with the book. On the first night of music, the subject was addressed by the very first performers, Barlow Girls. As they were speaking to the crowd, I kept turning around to tell a certain member of our group to "shut up". He had been one of the worst (in a quiet way) in hassling me about reading the book. I knew his smile and laugh were really saying "Can't avoid it, can you?" And Barlow Girls were not the only ones to address the issue, Rebecca St. James also had some stuff to say on the matter. Throughout the week, it seemed to me, many of the performers said things that hit home. One person in our group was slightly bewildered as to how one performer reached me with a message, when there were no words relating to the subject that he could find. And yet the words said gave me an answer I had prayed for that morning.

There were many other things that happened during the week, some funny, some downright hilarious. I'll write more about these later. We met some wonderful people. And I got to enjoy the company of some really fantastic members of our church. Even in our small group you could feel God as we moved through the week together.

Thank you Tysey, Mel, Terry, James and Aaron, for an unforgettable vacation.

My Name is Rose.....

2005-07-31T15:21:00.000-07:00

And I'm a Blogaholic!

Just got back from CreationFest, and the very first thing I do is check blogs to see what I missed.

I'll write more later, time for a shower!

OFF TO CREATIONFEST!

2005-07-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

WooHoo!!

See you in a week.

2005-07-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

Today, according to some, I am officially an "old fogey". Where does the the time go?
But for the first time in 8 years all my boys are here for my birthday. What gift could be better?

Ouch!

2005-07-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

So how do you deal with the fact that someone you have considered a friend for the past 2 1/2 years calls you an idiot for giving him a helping hand? Obviously, there was no "friendship", and you walk away.

p.s. anyone know of any jobs available?

I Sang at Karaoke Night........

2005-07-15T23:35:00.000-07:00

and no one ran out screaming. It's amazing how much torture your friends will take.

OH YEAH!

2005-06-30T18:22:00.000-07:00

So today I went into Vancouver. I decided to take the West Coast Express in and after I got off the train, I went outside for a cigarette before catching the Skytrain.

As I was standing outside I was approached by a man who asked if I could spare some change so he could get a coffee. I always carry change specifically for occasions like this, so I gave the fellow $2.

After the man had walked into the station a "lady" who had been standing beside me turned and began berating me for giving the man some change. Some of her comments:

All you're doing is supporting his drug habit.

Now he's going to be a bigger nuisance to everyone else.

If he got a job, he could support his own habits.

Before this "lady" had finished her comments, the fellow walked back outside and over to me. Not only was he holding a coffee, he gave me back the change.

Makes me smile.

p.s. no apology from the "lady" was forthcoming. she turned her back and walked away.

Computer Prayer

2005-06-24T16:24:00.000-07:00

Every evening as I'm laying here in bed

This tiny little prayer

Keeps running thru my head

God bless my mom and dad

And bless my little pup

And look out for my brother

When things aren't looking up

And God, there's one more thing

I wish that you could do

Hope ya don't mind me asking

But please bless my 'puter too?

Now I know that's not normal

To bless a mother board

But just listen a second

While I explain to you, my Lord

You see, that little metal box

Holds more than odds & ends

Inside those small compartments

Rests hundreds of my 'Best Friends'

Some it's true I've never seen

And most I've never met

We've never exchanged hugs

Or shared a meal as yet....

I know for sure they like me

By the kindness that they give

And this little scrap of metal

Is how I travel to where they live

By faith is how I know them

Much the same as you

I share in what life brings them

From that our friendship grew

Please take an extra minute

From your duties up above

To bless this scrap of metal

That's filled with so much love!"

The Touchstone

2005-06-18T01:53:00.000-07:00

When the great library of Alexandria burned, the story goes, one book was saved. But it was not a valuable book; and so a poor man, who could read a little, bought it for a few coppers.

The book wasn't very interesting, but between its pages there was something very interesting indeed. It was a thin strip of vellum on which was written the secret of the "Touchstone"! The touchstone was a small pebble that could turn any common metal into pure gold. The writing explained that it was lying among thousands and thousands of other pebbles that looked exactly like it. But the secret was this: The real stone would feel warm, while ordinary pebbles are cold. So the man sold his few belongings, bought some simple supplies, camped on the seashore, and began testing pebbles.

He knew that if he picked up ordinary pebbles and threw them down again because they were cold, he might pick up the same pebble hundreds of times. So, when he felt one that was cold, he threw it into the sea. He spent a whole day doing this but none of them was the touchstone. Yet he went on and on this way. Pick up a pebble. Cold - throw it into the sea. Pick up another. Throw it into the sea. The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months.

One day, however, about midafternoon, he picked up a pebble and it was warm. He threw it into the sea before he realized what he had done. He had formed such a strong habit of throwing each pebble into the sea that when the one he wanted came along, he still threw it away.

So it is with opportunity. Unless we are vigilant, it's easy to fail to recognize an opportunity when it is in hand and it's just as easy to throw it away.

Horseback Riding

2005-06-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

Last December my Scouts did some fundraising on their own, so they got to decide how to spend the money. The vote was unanimous. Yesterday, for the first time in 7 years, I went horseback riding.

I started riding at 6 years old, and continued until my mid-twenties. I even rode a friend's jumper in a competition when I was 6 months pregnant with my oldest son. Seven years has been a long time. I won't wait another 7! (Next year we may be looking at a weekend horseback camp for the Scouts.)

As soon as I mounted the sense of freedom I used to get with riding all came back. Although I spent most of the ride in a walk (most of the Scouts had little or no riding experience) I did manage to hold my horse back enough that the occasional short canter was "necessary" to catch up to the group. I'm still smiling! And the best part is NO PAIN. As one of the wranglers explained to the kids, sit in the saddle right, no aching the next day.

Blonde GUY Joke

2005-06-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Rumors.........Gotta Luv'em

2005-06-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

So tonight I heard a great rumor. A friend told me that his pastor had told him our church was folding because we no longer have a pastor (Scott was mentioned by name). I must admit, I laughed, then explained that technically his pastor was right, we don't have A pastor, we have 2.

My friend will spread the word, New Heights is alive and strong.

Check Out This Cool Site!

2005-06-07T21:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com/index1.htm

Strength and Courage

2005-06-03T09:53:00.000-07:00

It takes strength to be certain,

It takes courage to have doubts.

It takes strength to fit in,

It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to share a friend's pain,

It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pain,

It takes courage to show it and deal with it.

It takes strength to stand guard,

It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer,

It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to endure abuse,

It takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone,

It takes courage to lean on a friend.

It takes strength to love,

It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive,

It takes courage to live.

~Sylvia Kelly~

Court

2005-06-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

Went to family court yesterday. There is no evidence to show I'm an unfit mother. Everything stays the same as it was.

Thanks for the prayers

Reaping or Sowing?

2005-05-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

At Bible Study yesterday morning a question was asked that made me squirm (not just me, but this is my blog so....... it's all about me). A story was told about a minister who had heard that things were being said about him. He then asked himself "Am I reaping, or am I sowing?"

I have spent the last day looking at my attitudes, my comments, my life. I (like most people) have always found it easy to avoid accepting responsibility for the crap in my life. Not always, but I could have given a guarantee that it was not my fault how my life turned out at least 99% of the time. And the times I did accept responsibility, it was a miniscule amount of it. Now....... ouch! My actions seem to have caused more hurt, to others and myself, than I have been willing to admit to before.

In school, my rotten temper (and I have a bad one when I really get ticked) drove away friends. My inability to let things go drove me to be petty and nearsighted. My "me first" attitude stopped me from seeing so much beauty in the world around me. I had problems being happy for others, because I spent so much time being miserable. When I felt bad about myself it was easier to tear down others when they accomplished something worthwhile. I'm not saying that's how I always was, but looking back it was more than I cared to admit, at the time.

As I look at my life more recently (and trying to be 100% honest with myself) I am happy to say that I can see changes. And I can see situations where I have sown what I reaped. I try hard to look at myself more in each situation, and accept my own responsibility for what is happening in my life. I still have a temper, it explodes very rarely, but it's there. I'm trying to learn to let things go, because I am miserable dwelling on the "crap" in my life. "Me first" has pretty much gone out the window (I have found I love a life of service in God's name). And I'm learning that a life of joy is leading to a new awakening of the beauty within myself and in other people around me.

I wish I could say that my changes are complete. They're not. I still cannot let go of some things in my past. I still watch the world around me and form my own opinions about people, places, situations, and things (otherwise known as passing judgements). And I still am willing to voice those judgements and tear others down, either to them or others.

Still so far to go.

New Blogger

2005-05-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

Congrats Nikki, on joining the New Heights Blogger Roll.

Don't Be Afraid to Fail

2005-05-26T23:40:00.000-07:00

Sent to me by a friend:

You've failed many times, although you may not remember. You fell down the first time you tried to walk. You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim, didn't you? Did you hit the ball the first time you swung a bat? Heavy hitters, the ones that hit the most home runs, also strike out alot.

R.H. Macy failed seven times before his store in New York caught on.
English novelist John Creasey got 753 rejection slips before he published 564 books.
Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times, but he also hit 714 home runs.

Don't worry about failure. Worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try.

You Know You're Comfortable With Someone When......

2005-05-26T00:42:00.000-07:00

Today I took some time for myself. But I wasn't alone. I went for coffee with a friend I haven't seen in a while. It was good to see her again, and do some catching up.

During our talk a phrase came up that we have both used before. (Okay, we stole it from someone, but that person stole it too.) Our conversation really had nothing to do with what I said to her next. I told her one of my deepest secrets.

I wasn't uncomfortable telling her the secret, and she told me that I wasn't weird or abnormal because of it. Actually she told me I was probably pretty normal. But I'm still kind of amazed that I said what I did.

No, I'm not going to reveal the secret here. I just needed to share my amazement at my comfort level with this person.

Thank you Annette, for your support and affirmation.

Should You Be Institutionalized?

2005-05-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

Okay, here's your test: (Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to the bottom to get the answer before taking the test.)

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon."

"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

2005-05-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

I got tagged last week, and now have time to do it.

1) God. without him. I'm nothing.

2) My kids. Nothing on earth means as much to me as my 3 boys.

3) My family. I haven't always gotten along with any of them (except Dad), but I love them more than words can express.

4) My Church. I thank God for New Heights. A church that is real. And the "family" that comes with it. What would I do without you guys.

5) Friends. You guys (and you know who you are) helping me to accept who I am, by you accepting who I am.

All done with the obvious ones now.

6) Water. I'm a real water baby. I love anything to do with water, from rain to oceans to bubblebaths.

7) Music. Everything from punk to opera, depending on my mood.

8) Sunshine. What can be bad on a sunny day? Sunshine brightens my mood.

9) Horses. I've loved the wind on my face, riding at a gallop, longer than I can remember.

10) Flying (actually gliding). The best part about gliding is no engine noise. You pop the canopy and feel a total sense of wonder.

Now, who do I tag? Hmmmm......

A Child's Smile....Priceless

2005-05-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

So, after babysitting until 2 am this morning, I was out the door at 9:30 am to go to work at a garage sale fundraiser for my Scouting group.

After a steady stream of buyers and people just looking, we began to pack up the remaining items for tomorrow. At this point a small group of neighboring kids arrived to check out our selection of toys and stuffed animals. One little girl, around 3 or 4 (her name is Asia) found a long stuffed snake. She pulled the snake from the box, and draped it around her neck, petting the head and saying it was beautiful. She looked towards Charles and me, and asked how much the snake cost. Charles looked at me, and I nodded my head. His answer to Asia was "A smile." The price was paid immediately. 5 minutes later Asia's mom came over to pay for the snake. Both Charles and I refused the money. The joy she showed, even before the snake was hers, was enough for us both.

I am truly blessed to be with people who can recognize the true worth of a child's smile........priceless.

The Wooden Bowl

2005-05-13T17:32:00.000-07:00

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and a four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together nightly at the dinner table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating rather difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass often milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about grandfather," said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor. So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner at the dinner table. Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. Sometimes when the family glanced in grandfather's direction, he had a tear in his eye as he ate alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and mama to eat your food from when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled. Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb. If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child's future.

Update

2005-05-05T03:07:00.000-07:00

Today in court we ended up with a continuance.

My husband tried to have a report admitted that I knew nothing about, and was full of lies. And a judge finally gave him a slap on the wrist for "underhanded tactics".

Next court date is May 18th, but it looks like that will only be for another contiuance while truth is gathered.

To all who prayed, thank you!

Prayer Request

2005-05-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

Yet not as I will, but as you will."
(from Matthew 26:39, NIV)

Tomorrow I am once again in family court. I’m asking my friends to pray. Not that I win, but that God’s will be done.

I’m trying harder to live my live as God wants, trying to remember that he knows what’s best for me. If I do lose custody, hard as that would be, I know that God will open more doors for me.

Here We Go Again

2005-05-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

Your Birthdate: July 23

With a birthday on the 23rd of the month (5 energy) you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them.
You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas.
You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel.

You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable.
Your mind is quick, clever and analytical.
A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine.
You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility.
Very sociable, you make friends easily and you are an excellent traveling companion.

What Does Your Birthdate Mean?

Your #1 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer
You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller!
You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

What's" Your Personality Type?

What Kind of Soul am I?

2005-05-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance.On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others.You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative.Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you.
Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter.You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything.You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships.Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily.

Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You

You Know Your From British Columbia When......

2005-04-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

You know the provincial flower.
You consider that if it has no snow, it is not a real mountain.
You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Blendz, and Tim Horton's.
You know how to pronounce Squamish, Osoyoos & Nanaimo.
You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean and Thai food.
In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark - while only working eight-hour days.
You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
You know that Dawson Creek is a town, not a TV show.
You can point to at least two ski mountains, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 5, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
You switch to your sandals when it gets about 10, but keep the socks on.
You recognize the background shots in your favourite movies & TV shows.
You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.
The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar.
Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown.
You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
It's November, it's raining, but you're still wearing birkenstocks.
You go broke just paying rent.
You don't own a heavy winter coat.
You can't figure out why Manitoba is considered part of Western Canada.
You wouldn't be caught dead on Vancouver Island or in Vancouver without your umbrella and plastic shoes.
You actually get these jokes.

10 Somewhat Challenged People

2005-04-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel andtried the trigger again. This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of itsmen to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger.The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious headwounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leavingthe $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? ...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided thathe'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab somebooze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his headat the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into aBurger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in years.

A Struggle to Grow

2005-04-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On that day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as the moth struggled to force the body through that little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. It just seemed to be stuck. Then the man, in his kindness, decided to help the moth, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was the way of forcing fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance. Leave no room for regrets.

Blessings

2005-04-18T11:15:00.000-07:00

"The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings."
Eric Hoffer

My life has been really busy lately. So busy that it seems I have forgotten the important things in life. I’m posting them here so my friends and family can hold me accountable when I forget.

First, and foremost, is my God. Knowing I am loved, and forgiven for all my screw ups, hard as that is for me to imagine.

As often as I forget to tell them, my children are my biggest earthly blessings; the greatest gifts I have ever been given. It seems easy to forget that they need to hear this from me. I should tell them more often. The smile on their faces when I do tell them that I love them, and I am proud of them, is a gift I need to receive more often. And the words are a gift that they need to receive every day.

I am fortunate that, although almost all of us are separated by hundreds of miles, I still have a close family. My parents, sisters, aunt, uncle, cousins, etc. are very important to me. I need to make a genuine effort to see those that live close to me a little more often. Phone calls are not nearly enough.

My Church family is a blessing that is still growing. From so many at New Heights I have found an acceptance that I never believed I would. I find it so easy to list off my faults, they find it easy to list my gifts. Many are people that I could never have seen myself with a few years ago. Once again, God blessed me by putting remarkable people around me, helping me to grow.

Friends are another blessing from God that I do not give enough recognition too. I am fortunate enough to have some extremely close friends (you know who you are), and friends that, while not as close, are a joy to be around. Some have been with me through my darkest times, some through the greatest moments of happiness, and a select few through both. My friends help keep me grounded.

I have many other blessings in my life, but these are the most important to me. I need to remember that these are what is important to me; that everything else in the world really doesn’t matter.

quote

2005-04-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

heard this yesterday from Ben:

"The difference between pornography and art is a government grant."

2005-04-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Busyness has taken over again. Between Scouts, babysitting, church, street ministry and trying to find a little time for myself, I think i'm going insane. Oh wait, I'm already there!

Times up, gotta go. I'll try to post in the next few days.

My Chinchillas

2005-04-01T15:15:00.000-08:00

As promised, the pictures of Roo and Hyack have been posted.

Roo is a Standard male (gray, with a white belly). He is approximately 2 years old. I got him from my oldest son last year for Mother's Day. As a rescue (removed from an unsuitable home), he had a habit of chewing his own fur (a sign of stress). He has stopped that habit since I got him. Roo weighs about 450 grams, and will not get any bigger.

Hyack belonged to a friend. He is a male Mosaic Chinchilla (white with dark markings because some of the fur hairs are darker at the tips) , almost 9 months old. The lady I got him from breeds show quality chinchillas, but unfortunately Hyack is a little on the small side, being only 550 grams.

Both are extremely friendly, my kids are playing with them right now.

2005-04-01T15:07:00.000-08:00

Roo

2005-04-01T15:04:00.000-08:00

Hyack

For My Motorcyclist Friends

2005-04-01T06:20:00.000-08:00

The Cry of the Valkyrie --Sort Of

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.

I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet.

He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...

He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.

This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. TORQUE. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in .. well . I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle.. my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene.

You are a cop.
You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.

I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back).
I really would have.
Really...
Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing.

The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.

That is one dangerous squirrel.
And now he has a patrol car.
A somewhat shredded patrol car .. but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids!

Into Your Dreams

2005-03-31T23:11:00.000-08:00

Some stepping stones to dreams are small,

Others are large and slick.

Some have rough and ragged edges,

For your weary feet to grip.

Some are spaced so far apart

Your legs will hardly reach.

Others nest atop each other,

Like pebbles on a beach.

For some you'll need to leap with faith,

On others, move with balance.

A few will take uncommon grace,

For most.your skill and talent.

You know the way, so just begin.

Then keep a steady pace.

Stretch and rest.and soon you'll see,

You've reached your special place.

by Suzanne Zoglio, PhD

Addition to the Family

2005-03-29T11:53:00.000-08:00

So, this afternoon the family size will increase by one. I have another chinchilla! (No Scott, you can't have a pair of gloves.)

I'll borrow a friend's digital camera and post pictues of Roo and Hyack after they have been introduced (takes 2-3 days).

2005-03-27T22:43:00.000-08:00

i can post pictures!

Street Church (and Native Customs)

2005-03-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

So, after reading Lori’s blog I realized that many people don’t really seem to understand what street church is all about. I may not get this right for everyone who attends, but these are my feelings.

When the Sandwich giveaway first began I wasn’t part of the team. I have blogged previously about why I started going out Sunday nights, so I won't get into it again. We don’t preach at the people that we interact with, we just show honest love. Many have been surprised that we bring no condemnation for their lifestyles, we just want to be there for them. Many more are even shocked when they do find out we are a church, because we don’t preach. With each Sunday we begin new bonds and relationships with people, and we reinforce the bonds already made. Part of that bond is respecting their customs. Many of our downtown residents are native. The respect for their customs includes allowing them to share those customs with us. This is their way of expressing their respect and love for us. We may not understand what the words they are singing mean, but more and more of the downtown residents are now attending New Heights. I know because I have to drop my kids off at church early to have space in my van to pick up these people for church. I’m sure that if there were anything wrong with what was being sung in the native tongue these people would tell us.

For so many of the natives organized religion has meant heartbreak and pain. The elders were taken from their families, as children, and shipped to schools run by organized religion. At these schools the children were abused. They learned not to trust Christianity; a religion that preaches love, because all they found was pain and hatred. After leaving the schools there was nowhere for these children (emotionally that is what they still were) to turn to for help. So instead they turned to destroying their own lives. Drinking, drugs, anger. The younger generations have had lives destroyed by the results of these things. By showing respect, love and acceptance to these people we are showing them true Christianity at work. When we close street church with the circle and drums we show our native brothers and sisters that we accept all that they are, native and Christian.

When the drummers performed at church for Susan’s ordination I was thrilled. Here was a chance for people who are an important part of Susan’s life to show others the love they hold for her. The songs sung at the ordination were all songs that have been sung Sunday nights at street church. I have been told that these are songs of blessings. As I mentioned before I think we would hear from other people if this weren’t true. And the two drummers who both performed are attending New Heights fairly regularly.

In the circle at the end of street church we are reminded that the holding of hands symbolizes how we are all connected all one family. We don’t just listen to drums, we ask if anyone has any prayer needs and pray for any that do. We are reminded to watch out and watch over each other in love. With showing respect for the customs of our downtown residents we are showing the true Christianity, a church built on love.

A Sign?

2005-03-24T07:16:00.000-08:00

So after my last post, this was forwarded to me by a friend:

"We need to teach the next generation of children from day one that they are responsible for their lives. Mankind's greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. We can make our choices built from love or from fear. " Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I phoned him this morning and he admitted that he hadn't read my blog before sending me the e-mail. He thought I would like the qoute because I'm always telling my kids (and their friends) that they need to accept responsibility for their choices and actions. I beleive that is part of raising a child.

Time for a Decision

2005-03-23T20:28:00.000-08:00

"Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use."
Earl Nightengale

Have you ever not done something because it will take too long? That's where I'm sitting right now.

A couple of months ago I took a Career Decision-Making course. Because of my wrist I need to be re-trained. And all the personality tests I took showed that I should be involved in supporting other people. Some of the possibilities were parole officer, childcare, social worker for outreach programs.

I have been doing street church for over 2 years now. I love it. The joy it brings to my life is completely indescribable. As a social worker for outreach programs my job would be similar to what I do with many of the people we see on Sunday nights. I never thought that there was a possibility of a job in something that I love doing as a volunteer. (Pretty slow, aren’t I?) The problem is that I would need to commit another 2 years to school, full-time, just to get a diploma in Social Work. Most places seem to require a degree, but that could be accomplished part-time for the final 2 years. So now I’m stuck. Do I want to go back to school for a total of 4 years?

One of the other options was childcare. This course is only one year. And I do enjoy working with kids (although not as much as I enjoy the street ministry). I have been a volunteer at elementary schools since my oldest was in kindergarten. I have run a Cub Pack and Scout Troop. I am currently doing some babysitting for a friend (part-time). And I teach Sunday School for pre-school age children.

The dilemma is this: Do I commit 4 years to schooling for a job I know already that I enjoy more than anything else, or commit 1 year to schooling for a job that I do enjoy, just not as much as the first option? Both jobs would fulfil a side of me that needs to be in the forefront. That feeling of being needed, of guiding someone towards a better life.

Any suggestions gratefully appreciated.

Clever Senior

2005-03-23T19:54:00.000-08:00

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

Condensed Camp (Just Add Water)

2005-03-20T13:16:00.000-08:00

So, my Scouts left yesterday for a 3 day camp.

As part of their requirements for badges they had to ride their bikes to the camp. Only 17 km. through the rain, up and down hills. At least the dump truck drivers were nice enough to slow down for them, but not really anyone else. The kids biked in a line between 2 vehicles, with hazards flashing for safety, for 2 hours. After arriving at camp they had to get everything set: packing gear away, stoves etc. I left at about 6 pm (responsibilities back in Mission), and it was still pouring. And the wind was picking up.

I arrived this morning to take the kids on a 6 hour hike through Campbell Valley Park (another badge requirement). When I was walking over to the tents I could see that they had not had an easy night. The tarps that had covered the tents the night before were strewn all around. Did I mention the high winds yet? Apparently 1 of the leaders had spent most of the night outside in the rain trying to keep the tarps pegged down over the tents. It really was necessary because the wind was bad enough to drive the rain under the tent flies and into the tents. The other leader who had spent the night at camp had woken up with a small puddle on her.

All our gear was soaked through, the kids had no dry clothes because their backpacks were sitting in puddles inside the tents. All the sleeping bags were soaked (but I was told only 1/2 soaked). The other 2 leaders and I had a conference and decided to pack up, badges aren't worth hypothermia. The kids wanted to stay for the 3 days. But that was too bad for them, we came home.

I admire the determination of the kids. The bike ride through the rain, the desire to stay the whole 3 days, but us old folks aren't that tough anymore.

Now for a hot shower, sandwich giveaway, and street church!

PS. I almost lost my youngest son to the wind. His side of the tent was picked up off the ground more than once. Thank goodness his tent mate was a heavier kid.

To the Costa Rica Team

2005-03-18T22:11:00.000-08:00

To Susannah, Kathy, Sushi, James, Aber, and Matthew

Since I won't be at Sunday service this week I thought I would post something for you here.

May your journey be safe;

May you meet new friends and renew old friendships;

May you find joy in the love you give;

May you open your hearts to receive love given.

May you see God in all you do.

I know that you will have a wonderful time, and bring back many happy memories.

Changes

2005-03-16T10:49:00.000-08:00

Thought it was time for a new look on the blog. Definately better than the green.

Now.......do I change the title? Probably not, describes me pretty well.

2005-03-16T10:41:00.000-08:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Well Finally

2005-03-12T19:04:00.000-08:00

Yeah, Blogger has finally accepted posts and setting changes. This morning it wouldn't publish my previous post, but it appears now that the settings are changed.

P.S. NH Teen Bloggers have their own section for showing their links. They deserve it.

STUPID BLOGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-12T10:32:00.001-08:00

STUPID BLOGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

I've had problems posting comments for the past couple of days. Okay, I can accept this. But now Blogger won't let me make changes to my template.

I'm Learning (Slowly)

2005-03-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.
(Psalms 119:71, NIV)

There has been a lot happening in my life, and around me. Most of it has caused pain and sadness. And, to be honest, anger. And yet lately it seems that the anger has receeded. I am left feeling the pain. The more pain I have, the more time I have spent reading the bible.

Last night in my prayers I was listing the hurts in my life, and asking God to help me get through everything. When I was done I lifted my bible, then I dropped it. This was the verse my eyes were drawn to. Just a small reminder to turn to him.

Hey, Do You Know Me

2005-03-05T20:06:00.000-08:00

i just heard this song on the radio, and it reminded me of our street church community.

Hey, Do You Know Me (sung by Lisa Brokop)

Hey, do you know me

I live down the hall

An evergreen and charming home

my house is just 4 walls

everyday i read a book to my friend who cannot see

Hey, do you know me

I teach the 2nd grade

I always get there early

and I always stay there late

I give them all I can in who they are and who they'll be

Hey, do you know me

Chorus:

There are angels all around

In the sky and on the ground

They walk beside us everyday

Giving love away

There are people on every street

You might be the one I meet -today-

Hey, do you know me

I drive the city bus

I see alot of people w ho are

down on their luck

I keep a pocketful of change for those who cannot pay

Hey, do you know me

Chorus

Hey do you know me

I'm a beggar on the street

I know I'm good for something

If only for one thing

Maybe to remind you that you have all you need

Hey, do you know me

Chorus

Perseverance

2005-03-05T14:36:00.000-08:00

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
(Hebrews 12:1-3, NIV)

Been hearing alot about perseverance lately. I thank God for the people that He places around me and the passages He places before me to help remind me that no matter how much it hurts, it gets better eventually. It's the eventually I can't stand. Patience has never been a virtue of mine. I want change and I want it NOW! I keep reminding myself that God's time isn't the same as mine, and only with perseverance will I walk with God. I guess that attaining patience can only be done with perseverance.

And so I persevere. I continue on when all I want to do is crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and wait for my heart to stop hurting. I know I can't do that, God won't let me. I also know that when the end of my current troubles are reached, more will follow. Only by fire can I be refined.

See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
(Isaiah 48:10, NIV).

smack up the side of the head

2005-02-26T21:29:00.000-08:00

my last post was a poem sent to me by a friend. really good timing actually. i am currently involved in a custody battle for my kids. no huge details, but let's say his methods are less than honest. and my mind immediately went to "i can play dirty too."

at last sunday's service scott talked about not settling for less than God wants us to be. at least that's what i got out of it before i left crying. you see, i know that God wants more for me than sinking to a new low. (okay maybe not so new.) i have spent 4 of the last 5 weeks retreating from feelings, i have repeated old habits, and, while praying to stay close to God, thinking in ways that are so unchristian. during the last week God has finally really gotten my attention. hence the title here. it seems everywhere i have turned this week there has been scripture on truth, strength in God when i am weak, and letting go. ouch. not to mention the song stuck in my head is "bow down and kiss the son":

When you've been broken, broken to pieces.

And Your heart begins to faint, 'cause you don't understand.

And when there is nothing to rake from the ashes.

And you can't even walk onto the fields of praise.

But I bow down and kiss the Son.

Oh, and I bow down and kiss the Son.

Let the praise of the Lord be in my mouth.

Though You slay me, I will trust You, Lord.

When the rock falls, falls upon you.

Andyou get ground to dust, no music for your pain.

You open the windows, the windows of heaven.

And then You opened me, and You crushed me like a rose.

But I bow down, and kiss the son.

Oh I bow down and kiss the son.

i know that i can't be anything but the new person i have become, except maybe a better christian than i now am. i won't sink to a level of "dirty fighting" that, in the past, i would have lowered myself to. i can't be anything but true to God and myself.

When I Get to Heaven

2005-02-22T17:55:00.000-08:00

I was shocked, confused, bewildered

as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,

by the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven

who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,

the alcoholics, the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade

who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor

who never said anything nice.

Uncle Bill, who I always thought

was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,

looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?

I would love to hear Your take.

How'd all these sinners get up here?

God must've made a mistake.

And why's everyone so quiet, so somber?

Please give me a clue.

"Hush, child," said He. "They're all in shock.
No one thought they'd see you."

New Pickup Line

2005-02-13T21:36:00.000-08:00

While sitting at Tim Horton's tonight having coffee with friends, a fellow I don't know joined us. He sat across from me and told me that my smile is like a magnet, it attracted him. Never heard that one before.

RETREATING

2005-02-11T18:40:00.000-08:00

Ok, Scott got on my case last night about not blogging, so here I am. And an explaination does follow.

After my last blog, I got hit with some bad news. Not going to go into it here, but my world got turned upside down. And I'm angry! And I didn't want my blog to reflect nothing but anger. That's pretty much all the past 3 weeks has been for me, anger.

I have tried to keep busy, doing everything in my power to return my world to normal. And people around me may have noticed a small difference, but (i don't think) not anything major. Talk about not judging a book by it's cover.

The name of this post says it all. Inside I have been retreating. Retreating from feelings. But not retreating from God. In fact, I have spent more time talking to him in the last 3 weeks then I can ever remember. As I have been doing the steps I need to, I find myself constantly asking God if I am doing the right thing, have I done all I could, is there anything else I can do. Every night I have spent time praying for a release from pain, from anger. It's not easy. I actually cry myself to sleep while saying prayer. Thankfully, my God has shoulder that is waterproof.

Not blogging meant not having to deal with all the emotional crap inside me. Retreating.

The Guide

2005-01-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

Little girl wandering aimlessly
Marveling in the wonder of the earth
To watch her you would never know the loneliness within
Then, a helping hand
Offered in love, held onto in fear
A guide in the darkness of life

Tonight I spoke about lies and secrets; life after rape. Tonight I learned that many are already living these lies. Tonight, I found a reason to end a lie.

After I spoke, I was approached by a young woman named Tina. She talked to me about the darkness in her life, and how she is afraid of that darkness. She is a Christian, but lost, unable to speak to anyone outside the group about how she feels. She has already started the lies. The lies she tells are not to protect herself. She tells these lies to her friends and family to make them more comfortable around her. "I'm fine." "I'm ok." Two of the biggest lies ever created by mankind.

We talked about hurts, fears and lies. And I told her about the almost paralyzing fear I had had about talking to the group. Telling others about how a small lie, told to make others feel better, had led to mistakes, more lies, and loneliness.

She then asked me how I had known it was time to end the lie. And I told her about my journey. About the love I had re-discovered: God's love for me, and my love for myself. I told her it was not a giant jump, but a lot of small things. Kinda like 1+1+1+1+1=5.

And every one of those small steps brought me closer to the secret. A wall blocking the path of my journey. Tonight the demolition of the wall started. I destroyed enough of the wall to continue my journey. I know portions of the wall still stand, and will appear as I continue, but I know that when the time is right more blocks from the wall will be removed.

Before I left this evening Tina asked me to pray with her. What follows is as much of her prayer as I can remember:

My God, My Father,
Thank you for your strength as you carry me, and the weight of my fears;
Thank you for the comfort I feel in your arms;
Thank you for the tears that wash away the shame;
Thank you for your love I feel surrounding me;
Thank you for Rose, the guide you sent me, to return to the truth;
Thank you God, for all you give me.

I could only think of one line to add:

Thank you God for allowing me to serve you.

Ready To Shatter

2005-01-12T16:28:00.000-08:00

This week has been hard for me. On Friday, a lie dies. I’ve lived this lie for so long, I don’t know what part of me I will lose when I let it go.

In an earlier blog I wrote about giving a talk at a rape center. This Friday is the evening the talk will happen. (Please notice the wording there.) The only other time I have been this scared was standing in the open doorway of a plane, attached to a guy wearing a parachute. I didn’t jump. Friday I "jump".

I don’t understand why I am so afraid of this talk. I will be speaking to a group of 25 women, who can relate to what I say, and 2 counselors, one of which is my own and already knows some of the story.

For 20 years there have only been 2 people I have felt I could talk to about this; that I trusted enough to bare my thoughts and feelings to. Neither has been in my life now for 19 years, and the thoughts and feelings have been hidden in me. The worst part to admit is that my husband wasn’t one of those people. And maybe my fear stems from facing that fact.

For so long I have looked at my failed marriage, and taken a small part of the blame, a very small part. Maybe, by acknowledging the lie in public, I am afraid that I need to face more blame. Did my husband sense what was hidden? Did I drive the wedge between us? I don’t know.

Apart from Friday’s group, very few others will ever hear what the lie is. It doesn’t need to be made public. And, to be honest, I worry about the judgment that I may find in those I think are my friends. That may sound bad, but considering some of what is happening in the church right now I think that’s valid. Maybe that is my fear. The judgments of other people, even those who can relate and understand.

Coffeehouse

2005-01-05T18:56:00.000-08:00

Annette is doing a coffeehouse (her first ever) on Sat Feb 5, 8:00 PM, at Classic Rhythms in Abbotsford. She has invited everyone to be there. Spread the word.

Change

2005-01-04T14:54:00.000-08:00

If you always think the way you have always thought
You will always feel the way you have always felt.

And

If you always feel the way you have always felt
You will always do what you have always done.

And

If you always do what you have always done
You will always get what you have always gotten.

If there is no change,
There is no change.

New Year's Resolutions

2005-01-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

Normally I don't make resolutions. I hate them, I've never carried through on them. I feel that the only resolutions that are made are made to show others that we want a new start. Over the past year I have come to realize that I don't need to show others a new me, only God and myself.

That being said, I made a resolution this year. I'm quitting smoking. I'm posting this here to keep myself accountable. And 2 friends from church have made a resolution to help me with another bad habit. Suzy and Terry say they are going to hit me if they hear me putting myself down.

I wonder which bad habit will be easier to break?

I Love Old People

2004-12-27T18:08:00.000-08:00

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the gentleman said,"You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! So what are you doing for the next generation??"

Thanks James

2004-12-26T13:44:00.000-08:00

Nice to know I can trust James more than Scott. James posted the picture of my boys for me, and I trusted him with my password. For an hour.

My 3 Brats

2004-12-26T11:51:00.000-08:00

Tony (left), Karl (center), Ben (right)

2004-12-25T13:21:00.000-08:00

As I sit, watching my kids enjoy their Christmas gifts, and enjoying mine, I realize that the gifts in front of me are not the ones I have enjoyed most this year. The gifts that are most important to me cannot be wrapped and placed under a tree. They are more real than any I opened this morning.

My most precious gift this year was watching my 3 boys together. Seeing their smiles, hearing their laughter, being a family again.

The gift of family is not limited to me and my kids. I have met a new family, which has enveloped me. My church. My New Heights family has grown as I become more involved in church activities. The love I have felt as I meet more members and become closer to people I have joined with before is an amazing experience.

The next gift has been my journey. Perhaps a funny gift, but it is one of the best things that has happened to me this year. Rediscovering who I am and where I am in my life. Honestly assessing my worth, my truths, my failings and my sins. Being honest with what I have found, and acknowledging that, as a human, my failings and sins can be forgiven.

The most important gift I have received this year is love. By receiving this gift, I am open to any and all other gifts. And I am open to giving unconditional love to those around me. The love in my life has multiplied my joy in my life. By accepting and understanding that God loves me, regardless of my faults, mistakes, and sins, it is easier to love myself.

I can only hope that the gifts I have been given can continue to be a positive influence on my future. That I can pass these gifts on to those around me with the same spirit that they were passed onto me.

To all my friends and family, Merry Christmas!

Scrabble

2004-12-22T13:46:00.000-08:00

Received this e-mail from a friend:

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST
When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letteronly once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone has waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! But isn't that interesting!

He's Gone........

2004-12-12T20:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at 9:00 pm, I dropped Tony off at the Abbottsford bus station. His bus left at 9:20, but he didn't want me to wait for him to get onto the bus. "All you will do is cry, mom." Well I cried anyways as I drove back to Mission. I won't see him again until July or August (maybe a birthday present for me?), when he plans on staying a month.

The past week has been one of my happiest in a long time. And I know he needed to get back for work, and to the life he has made for himself. I guess I'm selfish. I asked God for 1 week with all my boys together, but letting Tony go was harder now than when he moved to Fort St. John in May.

Male Bonding

2004-12-04T16:59:00.000-08:00

all 3 of my boys just got together for the first time in 6 years. after a few minutes of ben yelling "tony's here", the wrestling match has begun. and it's wonderful to hear the laughter, the fun. something has been missing for far too long. it has been found.

Christmas Comes Early

2004-12-03T13:15:00.000-08:00

i heard from my oldest son this morning. tony will be here at about 10 am tomorrow and will be staying a week. his 2 brothers come home from their dad's on sunday (or maybe saturday night).

to all who prayed "thank you"

Fear Driven

2004-11-30T20:43:00.000-08:00

Here’s something that many people may not know about me. I’m afraid! Inside I’m a scared little girl, and I don’t like it much.

All last week there was something inside, struggling to come out. And it did come out, in church on Sunday. I had to leave the service because I was crying. I have cried in church other times, but I’ve never had to run out before.

When I was 16, 6 guys I thought were my friends raped me. I don’t have a complete memory of what happened, and some counselors say I never will. But every once in a while I have a breakthrough. There is trigger for this; I just never know what the trigger will be. For 2 years a lady I know has been trying to get me to talk to a group of rape victims (or, depending on where they are, survivors). I have always told her "no". It’s not that I don’t want to talk about what happened, it’s that I don’t want to face the fears I still have inside myself. I’ve finally set a date for the talk. As I look back at my life, I’m amazed at how my attitudes and actions have been dictated by the rape. My insecurities and fears have driven a large part of my life. And I have to wonder how different my life would have been if it had never happened. After a few days of looking at fears inside myself I have begun wondering how many of my friends are fear driven as well.

In our world there are standards set by others. The way we look, talk, act. And if you don’t conform, you are considered an outsider, cast aside by your peers. This is more evident in teenagers than in adults. As I watch my teenage friends struggling to find the real person inside I can see a struggle going on between being themselves or conforming and being accepted by the majority.

In many of my adult friends I can see fear. For most of us, it is fear of relationships. Having a broken marriage in my own past, I can certainly understand this fear. It will usually come out in 1 of 2 ways. The people who have been hurt will avoid personal relationships completely, or will have many personal relationships in a short amount of time, trying to prove to themselves that the problem isn’t inside them. No advice offered here, just an observation.

I have said before that I need to learn to trust God. That I need to learn that He will never give me more than I can handle. That He will help me handle whatever comes my way. And that is hard. I’ve always considered myself an independent person. I have always felt that I can deal with almost anything on my own. And I now have to admit that this is not even close to the truth.

I have no idea were this truth will take me, except further along on my journey to be closer to God. And I’m not looking for advice. I just needed to put down the truth I found inside myself. I’m afraid.

A Christmas Wish

2004-11-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

it may be a little early for a christmas wish, but all i want is a family christmas.

i just heard from my son in fort st. john today. tony may not make it home (his word) for christmas this year. he may be able to make it down either the week of december 12-18 or the week after christmas. the problem is that my 2 younger sons are with their dad for both those time periods. and their dad won't let them spend time with tony.

this goes back a long ways, to when my ex was trying for full custody of the younger 2 boys (tony isn't his son). so much was happening and accusations were made by my ex of tony beating his brothers up constantly. because tony lived with me my younger 2 boys were not allowed to see me or their brother while the investigation was going on. tony (at the age of 12) voluntarily put himself into foster care so his brothers could return to me. my ex then got a court order denying tony access to his younger brothers. although tony was proven innocent, the court order has stood because my ex refused to go to court on the days that i was appealing it. it has now been 6 years since i've had christmas with all 3 of my sons with me. and since tony is no longer a juvenile the old court order no longer stands.

i am asking my friends to pray for us as a family. either that my ex's heart will soften, or that tony can be here during the week that i have karl and ben.

teenage blogger

2004-11-18T18:23:00.000-08:00

our local family of bloggers now includes a teenager. go for it amanda.

From Selfishness Comes Love

2004-11-18T14:03:00.000-08:00

as my friends who attend new heights know, i have now been off work for medical reasons for almost 2 years. that part is depressing. and it caused a depression.

after being off work for 2 months, i started to slip into a depression. been there, done that, know the signs. and i had no motivation to get myself out of the state i was slipping into. a very good friend noticed what was happening, and she suggested (extemely strongly) that i find something to do other than mope about the house. yes, moping was easy to do and i had lots of time for it as i am currently limited in the amount of housework i can do in one day. my friend suggested that i join a group at church. any group. or she would (literally) kick my butt out of the house. since she is my landlady, and resides upstairs from me, it would have been kinda hard to hide from her. so i checked out the groups at church and decided that the sunday night sandwich giveaway was something i would try.

i have many friends in 12 step programs, and i knew that many of the downtown residents we assist have addiction problems. to be honest, i really wondered why more were not in the program. and (maybe more honestly than i really want to admit, but.......) i felt that many were there because they just didn't want to work.
when i first started going out on sunday nights i was nervous, scared. what would i see? i had always avoided anyone i saw downtown who seemed drunk or stoned. part of me really wanted to run from the whole idea of meeting these people face to face, maybe even having a conversation with one of them. talk abou moving outside you comfort zone. but i did it. and i have been doing this for 20 months. it is a very special part of my life now. over time i have gotten to know the people who live in our downtown. i know their families, i know many of their stories. i cry for their sadness, i smile for their joy. i hurt for what life has dealt them and still deals them. i have come to love them.

after the first night i realized that i had no right to be depressed. i have a home; except for my wrist and the occassional cold, i have my health; i have a full family life; i have food. for the next month or 2 i keep going on sunday nights to remind myself of what i had. that i had no right to feel sad about my life. my life had a fullness that many of these people don't know.

gradually, as i got to know people better, i began to realize that in some ways they were better christians than i was. they may not consider themselves as christians, but many act like they are. our downtown citizens are a family, a community. everyone knows everyone else. they help each other if they can, they will share what they have with others in need. as with any family the occassional spat breaks out, but it is usually soon forgotten. and our sandwich team has now been accepted as part of this family.

God, through this team, has shown me so much. He has given me the opportunity to learn to accept people for who they are inside, not their habits or living conditions. this is probably the greatest gift he has bestowed upon me. learning unconditional love. not only for others, but for myself.

as sunday nights approach i wonder who we will see, what news we will hear. and during the week i worry about the friends who we did not see. we are a family filled with love.

Disappointed

2004-11-11T18:21:00.000-08:00

today i had the honor of being part of mission's Rememberance Day ceremony. I have been in many of them, but this is the first one i have ever been disappointed in. in past years, the ceremony was preceded by a parade. not a very long one, but a procession thru a part of town were those of us honoring our veterans were seen. this year that changed.
this year the ceremony was held in the clarke theatre. all the groups who marched were asked to form up by 10:00 am. , at the old windebank school. for those who live in mission, you can understand the next part. the "parade" consisted of (as 1 lady described it) a stroll thru a parking lot. the procession never left the parking area between the school and the clarke theatre. i don't care that we were not as obvious to the public as we had been in the past. i just don't beleive that we showed that much honor to our veterans.
one of our leaders stopped at tim hortons in downtown mission before arriving at our group. they saw some veterans there. these men had no way to even get to the parade, as our local bus service doesn't run on Rememberance Day. how shameful that our procession and ceremony were placed so out of the way that some of the veterans we had gathered to show honor to could not make it. (some of us grabbed our vehicles and did a quick shuttle run.)
i know i'm not the only one who was dissappointed. many leaders in scouting, spectators (family members of participants) and representatives of other groups present all felt the same.